time well spent.

i love to read your blog posts.
thank you for taking the time to post them.
that, and the time i spent reading them, was time well spent.

it's only part of the whole, but...

i think a large part of my fear of death is that
when i think about all the things left behind,
i can't process it.
obviously this thought pertains more to the human race
and overall destruction of earth as a whole
(as my death would not discontinue or erase everything),
but i just can't begin to think about all the music, art, places, whatever
that no one would be around to enjoy.
i can't think about right where it belongs or love you all never being listened to again.
i can't think about all the books and movies and shit going unnoticed.
i can't think about thunderstorms taking place with no one to fall asleep in them.
there's literally billions of things that would happen or exist,
beautiful things,
that no one could experience.
a lot of things wouldn't get to happen, as people are often the cause,
but it still fucking sucks to think of however many years going by
and there being whatever new life form,
and they don't have any nine inch nails or cloud cult or whatever the hell else.
there could be their equivilant of those things,
but that doesn't comfort me much.

maybe i'm too attached.

apology.

i use the words "i" and "feelings" a lot, probably too much.
sorry.

also, i feel like even though they're just words,
i want to keep learning more,
so that i can convey how i feel more effectively.





i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel i feel..

like those are weird words.

first (and maybe last) time.

today i believe i felt a true emotion, completely unfiltered or clouded by anything else.

i think i felt despair.

i don't really know what words to use to describe how it made me feel. i don't think i even have those words in my vocabulary. maybe it's because this isn't something that happens, not very often anyway. like most people might not ever get to feel this even once in their lives. prior to this feeling, i might have thought i had felt something this true, but i know that i would have been wrong. i don't know if i'll ever feel like that again.

maybe it wasn't intended to provoke such a feeling,
maybe it was,
maybe it just depends on how we individually perceive things.

but thank you for sharing something like that.
even though it was the saddest ( <-- for lack of a better word) thing i have experienced,
it was also the most true.

i'm grateful for that, and astounded.



p.s. i wish i had better words to show how i'm feeling. "astounded" and "sad" don't quite do these feelings justice, but they're all i've got.

case of mistaken identity.

his name was gary.

tuesday.

tuesday.

tomorrow.

normally, the only thing to really detest about a tuesday is that it's still so early in the week, and so far away from the weekend. aside from that and all the specific little things that happen on any given day, there isn't much wrong with a tuesday.

but, tomorrow

is tues day.


on tomorrow tuesday, i have my first appointment with pastor greg somebody righteous,
who i'm supposed to talk to about my problems.
it could be my mind being me being cynical, but how it will happen is
i'll change who i am so as not to cause confrontation
or give reason to disapprove.

i feel like. maybe. i'm being quick to judge.
and a hypocrite.
since isn't that my problem with pastor greg somebody?
why should i be judged,
greg?
you don't really know me, do you,
greg?

i don't know greg, either.
i don't know me, either.
i don't know my problems, either.
i don't know why it hurts, either.
i don't know why i did or didn't, either.
i don't know.

either is a strange word.



i wonder what we'll talk about.

they're just words.

i have a lot of words.
in fact, i spend most of my time thinking of words.
i believe we all do.
it's one of the only things i'm nearly completely sure i believe.
i think of words i want to say,
words i should say,
words i wish i could say.

i wish too much.

maybe this will help.
but they're just words.
who knows what the hell they mean.